Jesus, You are all I need.

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I didn’t totally realize it until yesterday, but music has always been a part of me.

It all started when I was a little girl. I still remember one night in the car, I was sitting in the backseat, quietly singing to myself while my parents talked in the front seat. My dad interrupted my song to say, “I think you have a really nice voice, Susie.” I was totally taken aback, but his simple affirmation stuck with me.

As a girl and into the beginnings of womanhood, I took piano lessons on and off. I will never forget playing those five beautiful pages of Fur Elise at my last piano concert.

I dabbled in the violin for a bit in elementary school. I remember feeling such confidence as I screeched out “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” to the audience of the Sunset Hill Elementary School gymnasium.

I even played the cornet (a smaller trumpet) from fifth grade through eighth grade at Redeemer Lutheran School. I was in pep band and we played at the basketball games! Haha! 

Then in middle school, I joined choir at Bethlehem Baptist Church. I was the oldest and tallest kid in the group, but I didn’t care. I loved singing and that was all I cared about.

Freshmen year, I was in Choristers Choir at Minnetonka High School. I was completely amazed at the thrill I got from making music with forty other girls.

Sophomore year, I moved up to Treble Choir. That was my first year with Mrs. Holmberg, a talented musician whom I will never forget.

Junior year, I was in Concert Choir, a group of fifty-ish guys and girls, and Donna Voce (“woman’s voice” in Latin), a small group of about sixteen girls. I sang the very simple piece, ”I Love All Things,” at Solo/Ensemble Contest and was totally shocked to find I’d received a score of 39 out of 40 from the judges. Donna Voce also sang and we got a 37 or something like that out of 40.

That summer, I started taking voice lessons from Jerry, who seriously changed my life musically. He taught me about my voice – he made everything begin to click.

Senior year I basically handed my life over to music, but I loved it nonetheless. I was in Concert Choir again with Mrs. Holmberg directing. We went to New York City on tour and sang in gorgeous, famous cathedrals. I was also in Chamber Singers, which was such an amazing experience, musically. There was only 5 people on each part – Tenor, Bass, Soprano, Alto – which made us an ensemble of just 20. We sang sometimes as a group and sometimes in quartets for private parties, at restaurants, at business parties, and more – and we got paid! I conquered my extreme – and I mean extreme – fear of singing solos. We performed at Solo/Ensemble Contest and got a perfect score and “Performance of the Day” award. I sang my solo, ”Widmung,” a German piece, and got a 38 out of 40. Music, for me, became a way to release, escape, emote, get away from it all. When I sang, I felt the room, and even I, melt away, leaving only the music.

Next, I went off to Bethel as a vocal performance major. I was in the Women’s Chorale, which wasn’t my favorite musical experience of all time, but it was a musical experience nonetheless. I took voice lessons, but she was no Jerry. I missed and even mourned my vocal “high” from my senior year of high school. At the end of last year, I auditioned and was one of two Sopranos to get into the 2008-2009 Bethel Choir.

Which brings us to this year, my sophomore year of college, the year I had to put my music “career” to rest, while it feels more like I’m putting it to death. I am not just mourning my 2006-2007 experience, but a lifetime of music. I will never again be in such organized, established musical groups as the ones I’ve been in the last few years. That sentence alone is enough to get tears streaming down my face for what feels like the millionth time in the last 48 hours.

Over Spring Break, my hard-working, loving parents told me a) I have to graduate early – it’s no longer an option financially, and b) I cannot go on the choir tour to Europe because of money. Those 2 things combined meant I had to quit choir. I hate this economy. I picked up a class in order to graduate early, which means there’s no time for choir rehearsals every day. And if I can’t go to Europe, the climax of this whole year of rehearsals, what’s the point of staying?

I went to my director’s office yesterday, March 24th, and told him. I really wasn’t expecting to burst into tears, but the second I started talking, the emotional dam broke and I couldn’t help myself. I walked back to my room afterward and talked to my mom for a long time. I had to force myself to go to my night class, but the second I got back to my room, the tears started again as if they’d been waiting patiently for me to be alone again.

The Lord is faithful to be taking right now. I know this is for my good: He does not withhold any good thing from those who love Him (Psalm 84:11). He is not an Abba who gives me a rock when I ask for bread (Luke 11:11-13). He, in complete love, puts me in the fiery furnace so I might say “the Lord is my God” (Zechariah 13:9). The gift of being able to say that is the best thing I could ever receive.

My soul is weak,
My heart is numb.
I cannot see,
But still my hope is found in You.
I’ll hold on tightly;
You will never let me go.
Jesus, You will never fail.

Simply to the cross I cling,
Letting go of all earthly things.
Mercy’s found a way for me;
Hope is here and I am free.
Jesus, You are all I need.

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